When I started thinking about the words and around their spaces in my life, I thought of sentences, of proverbs. I remembered my grandmother repeating "a rolling stone gathers no moss". She had a proverb for everything and these sentences gave her the power, the power to always feel right. Often, I did not agree with these sentences, I lived even in anger. Some were absurd as " you understand fast but it is necessary to explain to you for a long time " or those in creole, particularly connected with the slavery " chien marréi sé pour batte" (which means " the dog is attached in order to be beaten "). My mother, her, often repeated that she waited after us to go away and that we " release her baskets " and my father kept telling me, " I have never had the paternal fiber, I won't have the great - paternal fiber ".
Sentences like that leaves tracks on those who receive them. And of course, I believed for a long time that it was impossible to travel and to earn money at the same time. Trip or money, I had to choose. Also I hated the impact of some of these formulae on my perception of my own life. I felt stuck between the loyalty to my family and my need to free myself from the weight of these words that were far too heavy on my present time.
All my life, I had looked for answers. It seems that I was born with a question mark in the head. Which is rather true, my birth remains for me a mystery but I am there, desired or not, I am alive, thank you mom for having transmitted life to me (I'm not talking about giving birth but really transmitting it). My genealogical researches have for a while managed to seal my thirst. But soon my explorations reached a ceiling. Then psychogenealogy allowed me to extend my research and helped to make connections.
Little by little, I became aware of invisible loyalties and transmissions in my tree, the famous génosociogramme was working. But at each level of my "quest", a wall always appeared. My documentation thickened but my thirst was still there as an addiction impossible to satisfy. Why?
The words act as ghosts and sometimes even as vampires. The generations preceding us carry them and we find ourselves haunted by the sensation that our life does not belong to us. There was the new wall. How to overcome the weight of these words on my life and how to finally take full possession of my life?
This is when I discovered Métagénéalogie from Alexandro Jodorovsky and Marianne Costa. One of these books that we eat ferociously, very rich food, that feeds as a triple cheese burger but an healthy one, with some organic meat and some flour without gluten!
Clear answers and tools, real tools, solids help to reach a powerful level of consciousness. And with this level, we have our power back. The power to solve our own equation, the equation of our life as well as the equation of our tree. My spirit of mathematician was in the seventh heaven and the art was not left because all the aesthetic and artistic part of this resolution was full of unlimited creativity. Wonderful. A discipline that combines both, science and arts.
Diving into meta, I had almost forgotten painting! I had fallen in knots, sets of three, centers and especially I made amounts of links with the tarot. Swords, cups, wands and pentacles took a completely new meaning and helped me to understand this constant leap from question to question. The logic was not enough, the rational needed the arts. Then, if you can list sentences and proverbs that come from your family, parents, grandparents and ancestors, if you try to understand the reason behind their words, you will understand better your real fear. By understanding the fears and frustrations that lie behind the words of your family, you will begin to understand them as individuals separate from you. You will be ready to understand your life and to recognize the pieces that are yours and pieces that are not yours.
Who knows, in the process, you will perhaps managed to really love these persons for what they have given you through these words. Certainly they have filled your life with shadows , but by accepting to understand their concerns, you will find the power to forgive. This forgiveness freely given will help your tree to heal and your descendants to shine and bloom far away from these words.
So, long live the words until they dies, they are your first and last indicators, your first lighthouses. The more painful they are, the deeper the knowledge behind.
And where there is knowledge ... there is energy, life energy.
(*) This article is published in "Le Cheminement", in september 2012, you may find it here (in french) http://fr.calameo.com/read/00142503594f8c6e74f39.